This morning, on the train in from LI after the first night of Sedar with family, I bumped into an old friend from way back in the day.  Not even High School or Jr. High back.  Elementary school back.  Back when we were the same height, or barely (he’s a good 6′2 now.  I’m still 5′4).  Good thing I’m not losing hair in my yarmulke area because, man, he towers over me.  Anyway, its just funny how you can not see someone for so long, who you were good friends with as a kid, and as soon as you depart you immediately remember all your good times from back then.  Yeah, you talk about your lives now, what you’re doing, where you’re working, if they’re on Facebook, how many kids they have, where they live, how their parents are, who they still talk to…are they on Facebook.  Then you say goodbye, walk opposite ways, and think, “Hey, he was a good guy…good times.  What happened is anyone’s guess.  Maybe because I was such a do-gooder and he tried the wild side.  Too bad I didn’t know I was going to be a stoner, earlier; maybe we wouldn’t have gone separate ways.”   Either way, you can have your cup of joe, or your low-fat yogurt, your morning nookie, NY1 weather report, Today Show with Kathy Lee and Hoda, your Bacon/Egg/& Cheese on a roll, or 30 minutes on the treadmill.  But a great way to start the day is by bumping into an old friend and having a good chat.  After today, I certainly recommend it.

Happy Pesach to all.  Try not to eat bread this week.  I already slipped.  If anyone wants sushi, email me.  I’ll go Sephardic for the night. Peace.

1.  No matter how much you think you know, you usually have no idea.

2.  A sense of humor – few people have one and everyone else is on a power trip.

3.  No matter what sorority you were in, a Jappy Long Island accent always makes you sound like an idiot.

4.  If its the difference between caring what people think and not caring what people think go with which ever one makes you more money.

5.  If there’s such a thing as a ‘Napoleon Complex,’ then by the natural principles of balance, there must be such a thing as a ‘Reverse Napoleon Complex.’   Thus, an extremely tall person can feel the need to over-extend their presence to compensate for their inadequate feelings of gross awkwardness.  That, or they were bullied as a kid so they feel it necessary to stick it to everyone they know now.

6.  Comic timing is innate, not learned.  But it can be perfected.

7.  In 2010, telling your boss to ‘Fuck Off’ is OK…but as in years passed you still gotta have another job lined up.

8.  You can’t act like a college kid once you leave college.  That means stop pretending like the bartender knows you.  He’s just there to make money.    When he says, “What’s up, BUDDY!”, he doesn’t think you’re his friend…He just doesn’t know your name.

9.  Lying to yourself only makes you look stupid in front of your friends and family.

10.  No matter how much attitude you give people, if you don’t have a ring on your finger you’re just as lonely and pathetic as the other single people in the room.

11.  Irish people have cool accents.  Period.

12.  Growing out your beard always makes you look like a terrorist – be it Al Qeada, Unibomber, Achmed The Dead, etc…

13.  Black people are like Red Heads.  When they’re good looking, they’re the hottest people in the room.

14.  Deep down, people don’t like you…especially if you display more  personality than them.  These people will always try to take you down, unless you’re hiring for a job they want.

15.  Jewish people are annoying.  Always.

16.  G-d does not exist…unless you believe in g-d.

17.  Experience trumps ambition.  Especially in Hollywood.  And bars.

18.  Saying ‘No’ can cause you to miss many an opportunity.  It can also prevent sexually transmitted diseases.

19.  People who “suffer” from OCD won’t acknowledge it.  They’ll just be really committed to getting you to use the word “thrive”, instead of “suffer.”

20.  Some people can drink lots of beer, get lots of drunk, get very horny, find a mate, take them home…but then can’t get it up.  Others just pass out.

21.  If you’re not on Facebook, its not because you don’t get into “those internet things.”  Its because you don’t think there’s enough people out there who’ll accept your friend request.

22.  Your name is your name.  Be proud of it.  You cannot give yourself a different name because you don’t like how your name looks or sounds.  If your name is of foreign decent and its spelled, “C-E-V-I-C-H-E,” then your name is “Ceviche” (ie. “the process of cooking fish cold in an acid.”)  It is most certainly NOT “Chuck”, “Charlie”, “Carl”, or “Sal”.

You know that dance.

Its the one when you bump into someone who you had a falling out with some years back, and you’re in a situation where you have to talk…She’s coming this way, nobody in-between you to cut her off…and all you can think is, “Uh-Oh.”

Nervous hesitation slaps you in the butt.  You think, “I could turn and do the running man towards the door,” but there’s not time.  She arrives.  She smiles.  You smile back.  Its weird.  Who talks first?  Simple, fake pleasantries are exchanged.  You don’t want to be here but you are, and you can’t shimmy away.  The talk-wardness ensues, and you’re both trying not to offend the other person.  You’re thinking, “I’m going to be cold, and stand-offish,” because that way they’ll think you’re better without them.  She leads, then

you lead, and you both try not to show your cards, or say too much,  or seem overly interested.   The ‘Dance’ is on!  You’re both trying to impress the other person as much as possible, without making it obvious.  It makes sense.  You waltz through your recent resume of accomplishments, and tap-tap-tap around each others’ relationship status.  She sets the pace with the 1/2 smile, and you 2-step around not noticing.  Cross your arms and you seem sheilded.  Laugh too much and you seem like you want to hit that old dance floor again, doing that smooth electric slide.  Neither of you really do, but this little jitterbug thing isn’t so bad either.

Next thing you know, the convo-tango starts to heat up.  Laces are tied up and your laughs bounce around the room.  You remember some old funny times, pausing every few moments to try to remember why its been 10 years since the DJ has played that song.  A memory shared, then another…a laugh…then that pause.  That’Dance.’  Soon you realize, you can’t keep talking for much longer because then what does that mean?  Are we friends again?  Is she going to make amends? Will she apologize?  Will I?

Then the nervous hesitation returns.  The song is coming to an end and its time to find a new partner.   You have another moment.  The smile is warmer now, but still weird.  Its awkward for you, and her, and everyone else around who’s in the circle, watching you two boogie.   Then she says, “Well, I got to run to take care of some things,” but you both know that’s not true.  No apologies are made, just a few happy memories shared.  No sad ones.  Nobody wants to discuss THE argument.  The issue.

Deep breath.  Say goodbye.  Music fades out.  Nobody claps.   You walk away. The Dance…is…over.  Nothing was resolved, and you wonder, “How many more opportunities will I get to make things right?”

Uh-Oh.

Then you realize, that party ended a long time ago, and you don’t really care to make things right anymore.  Too many sprained ankles, twisted and turned in those tight shoes, to venture out there again.  But it sure was nice to jump and jive and do that swing…one more time.

The ‘Uh-Oh Dance.’  You know it well.

1.  It’s their favorite team

2.  The story of the game is intriguing to them

Last year, in the Arizona-Pittsburgh nail-biter,  it wasn’t so much about the players as it was the head coaches.  It was a bit of old Superbowl winning QB in Kurt Warner vs rising star Ben Roethlisberger.  But the story of the coaches was the real battle.  Quick Flashback:  Bill Cowher retires as the Steelers Head Coach after 15 years.  Two guys were in the final running for the job.  That derby came down to Ken Whisenhunt (former Steelers Offensive Coordinator) and Mike Tomlin (former Minnesota vikings Defensive Coordinator).  Basically, the Steelers went with Tomlin, not only passing over Whisenhunt but also saying to him, “Yeah….we don’t like how you do things with the Offense lately… so you can go.  Bye Bye.”  Slap in the face.  So what does Whisenhunt do?  He takes the Head Coaching job with the Cardinals and makes it to the Superbowl two years later, against the guy who took the job he wanted.

Ultimately, the game proved the Steelers’ decision correct…although they won by a tippy-toe catch in the back cor-

1 Foot

ner of the endzone with no time left.  Personally I don’t think that was a catch.  From every angle I saw (and it was on everywhere so I saw it a lot…) plus the pictures I saw, he never had his top foot down, touching the ground, after he dove to catch it.  They called it in favor of the Steelers, but his foot was so obviously not down, it furthered my suspicion that the results of major sports games are telegraphed for greater story appeal.  Why not?  Its a business.  They’re selling storylines, so why not make them as captivating as possible?  Keeps ya coming back…but that’s for another Blog…

So as we speak (you read, me type), the NFL, ESPN, CBS, Sports Illustrated and every other sports entertainment media entity is planning for the 4 potential storylines of the 2010 Superbowl.  Since I used to work in this media-wacked world, but also because this is what I love about football, I will break them down.  Lets have a look, shall we…:

1.  Vikings – Colts: “The Experience Bowl” – This will be the story of the two most experienced and talented quarterbacks in the league today.  Brett Favre is in his 19th year, he’s 40 and he’s played 98% of his career in Green Bay.  He was their darling, their hero and their sa-

Big Pey Days A-Coming

int (colt?).  He brought them 2 Superbowl appearances and 1 win since the days of Lombardi.  Then, they gave him the boot.  He ultimately lands in Minnesota, the team he wanted to go to but wasn’t allowed to, because its the rival of the Packers.   So what does he do to prove he’s still crazy-valuable?  He brings the Vikings to the Superbowl in only his first year with the team.  The story would be even sweeter with a Superbowl victory, a final victory for Favre, and something strong and fulfilling to retire on.  But its not going to be so simple, because what America loves is someone who is a surprising, likable personality…and that’s who Peyton Manning, QB of the Colts, is.  He’s known as the best game general, who calls his own plays, sees blitzes before they happen, goes deep for the big play and has the arm to back it up.  Then off the field he’s the nicest guy.  He’s involved in charities, he’s a family man from a family of NFL Quarterbacks, he does commercials and doesn’t take himself too seriously, always poking fun at himself.    He’s the smartest, hardest working player on the field, and the all-american young man off of it.  People love a guy like that.  “Give him another ring,” they say.  “He’s a good guy.  We like him!”  So who do you go for?  You have the Old Warrior of the Gridiron going against America’s Good Ole Boy.  You want both guys to have the Ring…but only one will get it.

2.  Saints – Colts: “The Flying Offensive Bowl” – Just an all-out Air Attack.  No Defense will be played.  Just the two most high-octane,  scoring machines racking up big play after big play…  The score could very easily be 112-105.  The Saints have Drew Brees and his after-thought bunch of ball-hogs have dominated the stats this year.  They were the only team to score more than 500 points.  Brees threw the most TDs (34) to 10 different receivers, had the most yards passing-per-game average (294), and the highest passer rating (109).  We already talked about Manning.  He’s the guy who set the bar for Brees to eclipse.  If Brees wins this game, he just might do that.

3. Saints – Jets: “The Bring-It Bowl”.  Easy storyline here:  The NFL’s top offensive team verse the NFL’s top Defensive Team.  Saints got Brees, 4 stellar running backs, Shockey and Head Coach Sean Payton’s game planning.  Jets have the orchestrator of the vaunted Raven’s Defenses of the 2000’s who’s

Brett the Jet

got a young, tough, fast, run-stopping AND pass-stopping, Gang of Green, ballers.  If these two mighty forces should meet, it will be about who can flex their muscles bigger.  I’d actually pay to see that one.

4.  Vikings – Jets: “The Revenge Bowl” – The one everyone wants to see.  I’d pay to see the last matchup but I’d camp outside the stadium to get tickets to this one.  Its a Last Laugh Tale.  Who’s gonna get it?  Brett has his departure from Green Bay to avenge, but add on how the Jets cut him after he played hurt to end last season, and not bringing them to the playoffs.  That wasn’t fair to him either, so add that to his fire.  The Jets feel the same way, but to make their point, they will hope to say, “Hey Pal!  Guess who still got to the Superbowl…without you!”  Everybody here’s got a point to prove against the other.  Who’s going to make the stronger arguement…?  Revenge is such sweet….STORYLINE!!!

That’s it.  One of these four will be what we buy into.  Of course, if you just love football you’ll love whichever game you get to see, but the storyline will just make it more Super-Awesome!!

….Now for my pick:   LETS GO NEW YORK GIANTS!!!!   GO BIG BLUE!

Cool looking pizza

Prices today are higher than 10, 20 or even 2 years ago.   My girlfriend just bought a $2 tomato.   What’s that about?  Personally, I always judge the rate of inflation by the price of a slice of pizza.  In college, I could get a slice for $1.  My dad used to brag that in his youth, he could get 2 slices and a soda for .50 cents.   Today, its at least $2.50 for a plain slice almost anywhere you go.  I actually fear the day when my kids have to pay $10 for a slice and a small soda…and that’s because the medium soda costs another $3, and all I had was the 10 bucks.  That day is coming soon people…

So here’s my thing.  People are always saying, “Well the cost of this went up or the cost of that went up so I had to raise my prices.”  And the cycle continues.  Well why does the cost of things go up?   I think it has more to do with “people, ” as a country and as the human race, becoming increasingly lazy.

Lets go back to the pizza.  Say Pepe’s Pizzeria sells a pie for $15.  The cost of the cheese, sauce ingredients, and dough per pie costs $1.75.  That’s an 88% markup.  HUGE!  Now, we sell X amount of pies and make Y money.   The pizzeria is happy.  Mr. Pepe and the gang have a lot of money.  All the employees get their share.  They buy houses, cars, vacations, and Blu Ray players (…I still dont’ know why these are necessary…I should note I don’t have an Ipod yet, so I’m still a Neanderthal in the world of tech toys).  Then, suddenly the people that supply the elements to make our pizza, say the dairy farmers, decide they want to make more money but they don’t want to make more cheese.  “Too hard.”   “Too much work.” “Ugh.”  Its not like the cow is saying, “I need better living conditions here or I’m not letting you take my milk!’  That cow is just trying to avoid becoming a steak.   She’ll do whatever you want…But nobody wants to do more pumping…

So the dairy farm raise the prices of the cheese.  Mr. Pepe wants to keep his income at the status quo, but he doesn’t want to hire more people (he fears he’ll lose money), nor does he want to explain to his workers that they have to work harder to keep up production because then they’ll want more money too.  He feels like he puts in enough energy, thus he doesn’t want to work to find other ways to improve his business (marketing, advertising, working to gain a bigger market share)….so he raises the price of the pizza pie.  He’s lazy, so he figures he’ll put the onus of keeping his business afloat onto his loyal, pepperoni-loving customers.  Suddenly its $17 for a pie, then $18.50, then $400…This keeps happening.  Mr. Pepe doesn’t have to care, as he sips his Mai Tai on the beaches of his vacation home in Aruba.   Next thing you know, I can’t get a slice of pizza and a soda for less than 20 dollars and its all because nobody wants to squeeze the cow’s teets a little more than they’re already doing.  The cow’s happy, Mr. Pepe’s happy, and I’m broke.

All I can resolve from this is that I love pizza..but it gives me gas…However, I can’t stop eating it, despite the constant increase in prices.   I am a slave to inflation.  So I’ll keep on living, paying more and more for pizza, and ultimately, producing more and more tempestuous flatulence – only I promise you this, the pain will be from the prices, not the pepperoni.

Lesson:  Inflation is killing us.  If everybody could work just a little harder, and get rid of the Blu Ray player (or at least wait for the initial price boom to drop), we could keep inflation down to a reasonable, odorless, pain-free rate.

……And that’s How Hyman Breaks It Down.

See you next time when I’ll most likely be talking about “Jersey Shore”, that insanely popular new show on MTV.  Everyone is talking about it.  The characters are instant stars and “more to come” has already been announced. These kids seem like such losers exposing themselves to look like idiots on TV, but that’s what they said about “The Real World”…then “The Guantlet (RW/RR Challenge)”…and uh, music on TV…!!!!Oh jeez….”Jersey Shore” TV is going to change the world…for better, or for worse.  Freakin MTV….they did it again!

…and that’s How Hyman Breaks it Down.

After winning the “Audience Favorite” vote at the First Annual IFNY Monologue Slam competition (Kumble Theater, LIU-Brooklyn, 11/21/09), I was asked to perform one of those monologues on this show.  I’ll be sharing the stage with some of the today’s best up & coming talent in a mix of standup, poetry, music and acting.

The monologue I’ll be performing was written by Taylor Mali, titled What Teachers Make.

Yet I got to say, there’s no substitute for watching Redneck Americans when they’re on Television.  Put ‘em on game shows, or reality shows, or COPS, or the 10 o’clock news…or even PBS…they’re always entertaining.  Its a surefire way to get viewership back when ratings are falling.   Real Housewives of Orange County not doing well?  Throw in a Redneck family.  Neilson will be your new best friend.

The best part is when they know they’re rednecks and they admit it.  They have babies at 16, pickup trucks at 17, and no teeth at 18…and its all on TV for us to gaze at in awe.  Add a shotgun and an orange hunting jacket and I’ll be happier than…a redneck with a shotgun and an orange hunting jacket.   You are a mystery to me Redneck Amercia, but I love you.

So I just wanted to say Thank You….Thank You for being you.